Well, I issued a warning but you’ve made your way in.Brace yourself.These jokes will rip yo lungs apart! Well,I wanted to laugh to them all by myself that’s why I said ‘don’t read’…but I’ll let you through.
1 A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me.” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
2 A young blonde fears her husband is having an affair. She goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she finds him in bed with a redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps off the bed and starts begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically, the blonde responds to the husband: “Shut up, you’re next.”
3 A man walks into a bar with a roll of Tarmac under his arm and says: “Pint please, and one for the road.”
4 A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to Spain and is named Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving it, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband said: “But they are twins. If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Amal.”
5 Slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace.
6 I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said: “Are you two an item?”
7 I swear, the other day I bought a packet of peanuts, and on the packet it said “may contain nuts”. Well, YES. That’s what I bought them for. You’d be annoyed if you opened it and a socket set fell out.
8 My phone will ring at 2am and my wife’ll look at me and go, “Who’s that calling at this time?” I say, “I don’t know. If I knew that we wouldn’t need the bloody phone.”
9 A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says: “Is this some kind of joke?”
10 I rang up the customer care. I said: “I want to report a nuisance caller.” He said: “Not you again.”
11 “My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.”
12 Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The reception was brilliant.
13 A dick has a sad life. His hair is a mess; his family is nuts; his next-door neighbor is an asshole; his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him habitually.
14 A man and a woman meet in an elevator. “Where are you heading today?” the man asks.
“I’m going down to give blood.”
“How much do you get paid for giving blood?”
“Wow,” says the man, “I’m going up to donate sperm, and the sperm bank pays $100.” The woman angrily gets off the elevator.
The next day, the man and woman meet in the elevator again.
“Fancy meeting you again. Where you off to today?”
“Sperm bank,” she says with her mouth full.
15 A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It’s about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, “Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a b*tch outta here. It’s going to bite one of my customers and I’m going to get sued.”
The guy says, “No no no, it’s a tame alligator. I’ll prove it to you.”
He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator’s mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator’s mouth and zips up his pants and says, “See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?”
The drunk down at the end of the bar says, “Yah, I’d like to try it but I don’t think I can hold my mouth open that long!”
16 “Haha, you failed!”
“Yeah, so did your dad’s condom.”
17 My girl caught me blowing my dick with the air dryer, and asked what I was doing? Apparently “heating your dinner” wasn’t a good answer.
18 Failed my biology test today:
They asked, “What is commonly found in cells?”
Apparently “black people” wasn’t the correct answer.
19 girl – baby im wet.
Boy – want a paper towel?
Girl – no, i want more then that😉
Boy – want 2 paper towels?
Girl – no, baby i want sumthing big and round😉
Boy – damn you want the whole roll?
20 Just got out of prison after attacking a man on New years eve;
excuse me for getting nervous while an Arab was counting down from ten.
21 Police: where do u live?
Me: with my parents
Police: where does ur parents live?
Me: with me
Police: where do u all live?
Police: where is ur house?
Me: next to my neighbors house
Police: where is your neighbors house?
Me: if i tell you u wont believe me.
Police: tell me
Me: next to my house
22 Teacher: “Anyone who thinks he’s stupid may stand up!”
*Nobody stands up*
Teacher: “Im sure there are some stupid students over here!!”
*Little Johnny stands up*
Teacher: “Ohh, Johnny you think you’re stupid?”
Little Johnny: “No… i just feel bad that you’re standing alone…”
23 One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes. Little Johnny asked, “Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?” His grandpa replied, “Can your penis reach your asshole?” “No”, said Little Johnny. His grandpa replied, “Then you’re not old enough.”
The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, “Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?” His grandpa replied, “Can your penis reach your asshole?” “No” said Little Johhny. “Then you’re not old enough.” his grandpa replied.
The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, “Can I have some of your cookies?” Little Johnny replied, “Can your penis reach your asshole?” His grandpa replied, “It most certainly can!” Little Johnny replied, “Then go fuck yourself. These are my cookies!”
24 Guy: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: Sorry, but alcohol is bad for my legs.
Guy: Do they swell?
Girl: No. They spread.
25 Relationships are a lot like algebra.
Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
26 I swear to drunk I’m not God, but seriously, stay in drugs, eat school, and don’t do vegetables.
27 For once in my life, I’d like to get up in the morning and be as excited about it as my penis.
28 Just got a booty call from life, apparently it still wants to keep fucking me.
29 I am more pissed off than a dragon trying to blow out candles.
30 There’s always that one guy in the gym who thinks it’s the f*cking Olympics.
31 Yo Mamma so fat, I took a picture of her last month and it’s still printing.
32 Yo Momma so stupid, when thieves broke into her house and stole the TV, she chased after them shouting, ”Wait! Stop! Thieves! You forgot the remote!”
33 Yo Momma so fat, when she stepped on a scale, Buzz Lightyear popped out and yelled, “To infinity, and Beyond!”
34 Yo Momma so stupid, she brought a ruler to bed to see how long she could sleep.
35 Yo Momma so fat, she walked in front of the TV, and I missed 3 episodes.
36 Yo Momma so ugly, Santa came down the chimney and said “Ho! Ho! Holy sh*t!”
37 Bully – “Hey fat ass. Why you so fat?”
Fat kid – “Because every time I f*ck ya mother she give me a cookie.”
38 Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: I’m late?
Teacher: You missed an entire period.
Student: Are you telling me I’m pregnant?
39 Girlfriend: Hey, let’s go to the zoo
Boy: But babe, I’m not ready to meet your family yet
40 me: I have a magic trick that’ll make u forget ur gay.
friend: I’m not gay…
me: Told ya!
41 Boy: Hi.
Girl: I have a boyfriend.
Boy: I said hi, not suck my dick.
42 Teacher: “Do you want to share that with the class?”
Me: “No that’s why I whispered it.”
43 Guy1: Your zipper is down.
Guy2: Ughh, your mom is so forgetful !
44 Whore: You’re so ugly!
Me: Good, I was trying to look like you today.
45 Boy: There are 20 letters in the Alphabet right?
Boy: Ah Heck, sorry i forgot the U R A Q T.
Girl: That makes 25.
Boy: I know I will give you the D later…
46 People call me Chris but you can call me tonight.
47 If I had to rate you from 1-10 I would rate you as a 9 because I am the one that you are missing
48 Will you be my girlfrien?
There’s no “d” now because you’ll be getting it later.
49 Your pants.They bother me,Take them off.
50 The person who invented the door knock won the No-bell prize.
51 To the guy who invented Zero:
Thanks for nothing!